(cover art by kara storey. concept by spencer tuckerman.)
well here we go again. i did the for the last album and i got some positive feedback so why not make it a tradition?
note: this album is not for everyone. firstly, i would like to say that i am passed this time in my life. i wouldn't be talking so openly if this was something i was still struggling with. i am much better now and i basically see this album as the ending of this particular chapter of my life. second, music-wise it isn't for everyone. the music is made to transport you to my mindstate during that particular time. if you don't respect it on a musical basis, at least respect it on a passion basis. because i put A LOT of myself into this album. thirdly, 90% of these songs were written over a year ago. fourthy, i do not (nor have i ever) claimed to have a singing voice. i had to sing on some of this songs because it only made sense. i had to make sure they sounded exactly the way they do in my head. now that that's out of the way...
overview: this album has been brewing in my head for over 2 years now. as you may know, for a person with A.D.D., having an idea stick for over 2 years is remarkable... but let's get serious... in 2008 i was diagnosed with depression and clinical anxiety. it was one of those things i instantly knew i had when someone described what depression was like. my cousin cameron has it too (which turned out to be one of the biggest blessings ever.) and we talked about it and came to the conclusion that i should go see a doctor. they put me on prozac (like any doctor would.) and sent me on my way. well, as it turns out, there's a small portion of prozac patients who will actually receive adverse effects from the drug. well guess what...
TRACK 1 - Mistakes & Heartaches: to state the obvious, this is where i got the title of the album from. it serves as the perfect intro because it's basically a thesis for the album. it welcomes you to my world.
"Will the storms ever end? Will the rain subside? Will joy creep in and replace the pain inside? Can I confide in you for a minute? I'm sick of my life and the pain that's in it."
pretty much sums it all up. i'm confiding in all of you for a minute. because i have alot to get out of my head.
TRACK 2 - Despair: i feel like to truly understand this song to it's fullest, you would have to know the full story of Daniel Johnston (the artist sampled). since that would take a lot for me to tell you, i'll just say that this guy has been thru a lot. some of it is similar to what i've experienced. some of it's different. just google him....this track marks the beginning of my story. the part where i was trying to deny my current mental state.
"Welcome to my world. A place where everything works. A place where people do work. A place where everything turns and spins, and turns and spins..."
the way this song ends is one of my favorite things about it. it's like (and i feel like i way overuse this reference) in alice in wonderland where alice falls into the whole and is just careening off into the unknown. well the end of this song is like that hole.
TRACK 3 - A.W.O.L.: this might be my favorite song lyric-wise on the album. i think it just "works". and it felt so simple and black and white to me....this is one of the oldest songs on the album. i wrote this probably 2 years ago. the original melody is exactly like the one you hear in the song today. ever since i wrote it, it's been stuck in my brain unlike anything else i've written. all of these songs were kinda surreal to actually record. but this one was even more so. there were days when things got bad and this song would just play on loop for hours in my head as i sat there in a trance, not knowing what on earth was wrong with me.
TRACK 4 - Cataracts: oh kurt cobain. this is probably my favorite nirvana song. there's so much symbolism and even just the way it was recorded and mixed is flawless. during this time in my life, i felt like i was living underneath the bridge and surviving off of drippings from the ceiling. as far as the lyrics i added, it's about someone that i used to be close to that i'm not close to anymore (not in a romantic sense btw). i'm not gonna really say anything else about that. also, if you can't really tell what i'm saying, good. it's supposed to be that way. if you are able to make out what i'm saying, good. it's supposed to be that way.
TRACK 5 - Under My Covers: in this song, i play the role of major tom. the rest of the world plays everyone back on earth in the control room. i felt like i was just about to float off into nothingness and lose contact with everyone. it was one of the weirdest feelings i've ever experienced to feel so distant from normal reality. if you read the last verse on space oddity, you'll see that the control room finally lost all contact with major tom and he just floated off into space.
TRACK 6 - Oh So Close: this truly was the motto of my life at that point. i felt like i was always *this close to breaking free from everything that was holding me back. and i felt like everyone around me continued to hold me to a standard that was *just above what i could reach. i was so close to so many things, yet still so so far.
TRACK 7 - All This & Wonderland: first, let me say that the title is a pun. if you don't get it, just listen for the alice & wonderland references allllll over the song. i like the format of this song. 6 seperate 8-bar verses is just cool to me. i dunno. maybe that's just me....this song actually stemmed from a bunch of nightmares that i was having at that time. they were separate in setting and storyline, yet it was scary how connected they all seemed. so, like everything else, i wrote about it. the middle verses are really just descriptions of the dreams.
TRACK 8 - Cryptic: i actually played the guitar on this one. (yay for me!) i was just messing around looking for something that sounded cool and i found this. and it even reminded me of a poem i wrote a while back. the poem is called 'the skies' and it's the one you hear on the song.
TRACK 9 - Pill Bottle Coffin [Prozac Nightmares]: this one is clearly about the medicine. when i was on the medicine, it wasn't that i always felt bad, i just felt nothing. there were times that i just felt extremely disconnected from everything. Pill Bottle Coffin is about that time.
"And when the devil comes knockin', tell him I'm buried in my pill bottle coffin."
i felt like i was in a place that God couldn't help me. but i was also so far disconnected that nothing bad could reach me either. so i guess in that sense it was good.
TRACK 10 - The Stockholm Syndrome: this is where we start reaching the end of my story. to fully understand this, you'll need to read HERE. that should sufficiently explain everything i was feeling at this point.
TRACK 11 - Silence.: this is where everything finally starts to turn around. take the time to sort of reflect i guess. i like this part.
TRACK 12 - Where To Go...: this is something i still struggle with actually. life is just a series of choices (as the song states) and at this point in the story i was just confused about where exactly i was going with my life. the song i sampled here is really amazing.
TRACK 13 - Eyes Wide Shut: i don't really wanna say anything about this one. so i won't. i like how this works. i will say that this is one of the most honest tracks on the album.
TRACK 14 - All I Have: i'll start by saying how much i hate my singing voice. but it's necessary. so i'll have to get over it. this is basically the first optimistic moment in the album. i've never been a particularly optimistic person, but i guess on the day i wrote this, i was feeling pretty good.
"I do have joy, I do have hope. But I also got the pain and the end of my rope. And I once saw happy, and I once saw the sun. But now it's dark, into the shadows I run."
i like that the optimism is contrasted by uncertainty. it really really reflects how i was at that time. i was feeling better but it was hard for me to be sure i was actually getting better.
TRACK 15 - Be Alright: the optimism steps up a level here. this was one of the last songs written for the album and it was sort of written in that reflective state after the storm. it's one of the few songs i actually enjoy hearing haha.
TRACK 16 - Devil In My Rearview: this is my favorite song on the album. the beat here is perfect for the lyrics. this marks the end. where i finally put all the struggles in the rearview mirror and move on.
ending: thanks for reading all this. i made this album so i could tell my story. i thank God every day that i made it out of that time. i couldn't have done it without alot of prayer and the songs you just listened to.
thanks for the support. i'm already working on the next album. no days off.
"the devil's in my rearview. don't you forget it."
